A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.