What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Succinctly put.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.