My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦