My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.