I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Would you wear it?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
car not found
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.