my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling