So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The symmetry is uncanny.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!