If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?