nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Home is where your toilet is.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”