his wife is probably gonna see that
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet