Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*