911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My biological clock is wheezing.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Can Happiness buy money?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free