I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”