my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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Ummm
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring