Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare