Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
More like Kate Missington.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car