*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…