[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”