“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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Left at a local drug store…
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
12653.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*