Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.