*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.