[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine