(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order