[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My dress code is business-casualty.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.