lost dog
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Doctors texting each other.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.