Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Pat is about to own someone
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone