Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
when someone rings the doorbell
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.