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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.