My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Cake safety first. Always.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus