[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer