Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
i dont have time for this
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.