Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left