My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?