Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.