Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.