Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.