Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.