Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I wanna be friends with this person
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face