My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Print is alive and well!!!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”