“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like