Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]