Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.