drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Fiction has to make sense.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?