Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet