[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call