*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
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thank god the sign was there
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?