[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m already scared
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.