Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.