You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Saw online –
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…