Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”